I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
