I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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