I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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