how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
