totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize