My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
