Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
