she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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