why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I will pee on everything he values.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
