Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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