what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
