there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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