I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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