we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
