do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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