I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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