Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
