Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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