I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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