I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
