No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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