I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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