this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
