What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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