I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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