I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize