Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
