things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
