Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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