I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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