I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
