In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dignity is for republicans.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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