i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
