I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
