Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a search helicopter?!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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