Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Every concussion has its silver lining
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
