If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
