he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
