Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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