Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
