i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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