It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
