a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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