I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize