well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
high people should be assigned attendants
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
