Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
