i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
