finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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