Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
