So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize