I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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