There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
