i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
